Running a race assigns a point to a sport that often feels very pointless. It’s an exuberant payoff to months of tedium. It’s a way of crafting an end boss for a particularly cumbersome video game. It’s a fun, monstrous reason to keep putting one foot in front of the other. So, do yourself a favor: go build a monster.

If I am sedentary at a time when I have zero excuse for being sedentary, I call this “blerching.

Also, journeys require endpoints, otherwise you’re not Frodo, you’re just a homeless guy wandering around with stolen jewelry.

Just don't fall into a tanning bed. These machines are for vapid, narcissistic, idiots who have barren vacuums where their thoughts, fears, and passions should be. Spending time in a tanning bed will only earn you the appearance and intellect of an inbred baked potato.Don't be a baked potato.Be a person.

Crunches are an exercise where you lie on your back and angrily try to head-butt your crotch.

marathon: (noun)A popular form of overpriced torture wherein participants wake up at ass-o-clock in the morning and stand in the freezing cold until it's time to run, at which point they miserably trot for a god-awful interval of time that could be better spent sleeping in and/or consuming large quantities of beer and cupcakes.See also: masochism, awfulness, "a bunch of bullshit", boob-chafing, cupcake deprivation therapy

Running a race assigns a point to a sport that often feels very pointless. It's an exuberant payoff to months of tedium. It's a way of crafting an end boss for a particularly cumbersome video game. It's a fun, monstrous reason to keep putting one foot in front of the other. So, do yourself a favor: go build a monster.

My feeding habits are like that of a trained circus animal: every time I do a trick, I get a reward.

I grew up a fat kid, and in a way The Blerch is my former self. I run because I'm terrified of becoming that kid again.

Shut up and run.